Meet my little friend.We love to feed the birds; we have about 5 feeders going most all the time. We have the best time identifying the birds and watching them play.
This bird (well, actually several of this variety--the Eastern Bluebird as best I can tell) come to visit often. Usually, they perch and watch and occasionally will drop to the ground and eat some seed that falls from the feeders.
They don't generally fuss with the other birds and are quite content to perch--and watch.These little birds have, over the past few months, fascinated, comforted, and angered me.
Because of leg problems (which sometime seem to be getting better and then take another bad turn), I have been inside and not been able to do all that I want to do.
In all honesty, I'm tired of pain, tired of trying to be patient while my leg heals again, tired of feeling that I'm missing out, tired of not being able to plan and know that I can accomplish what I've planned. Just plain weary.
It's been a long, lonely season of life.
I try to put on the happy face. I try to smile most of the time.
But there are times when emotions, raw from physical pain, are just not able to be stuffed anymore. Then the cycle begins. Anger--at myself for doing whatever is causing this or not doing whatever would fix it and for crying, of all things. Guilt--for not being able to get done what needs to be done, for not being "whole", for being (at least feeling) rather useless and dependent. Frustration--it has been months now since this began and nothing has worked long term. No one has given up yet--and I am truly thankful for that. Then comes fear, gut wrenching, all consuming fear--what if it doesn't get better.
Then there are the birds. Their ability to perch and be so seemingly content fascinates me. Yet, one day I found myself angry. So angry that I tapped on the window and made them fly away.
They can fly, can go and yet they sit. (And, yes, I realize that being upset with birds makes absolutely no sense...)
They came back to their perch within a few minutes. So I got my camera, balanced on one leg, and took a few pictures.
I didn't like not being outside to take the pictures. I didn't like that some of the pictures were blurry because the one leg wobble set in! But, for a brief few minutes, I felt back to my "normal".
Taking things moment by moment is not my strong suit. Being still isn't something I do well. I'd like to say I'm learning.
Maybe I am but mostly it feels like one step forward and three back--mostly on crutches.
5 comments:
They are beautiful!
By the way- love the new title of your blog. Very creative word Gracen!
After months of empty feeders, I now have "bird seed" on my list of things to get this week. I love the little blue birds too. They are some of my favs. We had a nest last spring. Do I clean the birdhouse out or leave the old nest?
Oh, Hannah Beth's word is "nink" - it means "crazy". Between yours and mine, we might have a new language soon. ;)
I really appreciate you sharing your heart with us. I admire your willingness to be so vulnerable. You are such a trooper, Dana. You have been through so much and continue to go through so much. I honestly don't know how you do it. Hang in there, My Friend. Wish I was still in T-town so that we could hang out. I'm praying that God would grant you His peace that surpasses all understanding. Wish I could make things better for you...
Thanks, Tina--that means so much! I have been praying for "ease of transition" for you all--hope it is all going smoothly.
Julie, I don't really know about the birdhouse. We are leaving our nest that was on the porch because it seems there is another bird "fixing it up". I think Mom leaves her birdhouses as they are from year to year though.
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