Where Joy Is

I've dealt with chronic pain for several years now. And so far, it's been somewhat manageable--though sometimes life and schedules have to be thought about more than I wish they had to be.

Over the past several weeks, there has been much more pain of a different variety. Because it has been different and ongoing, I finally broke down and visited the doctor. Blood was drawn--much, much blood.

Results should be in by Tuesday, hopefully. Things like rheumatoid arthritis and thyroid problems were mentioned. My hope at this point is that tests show something. Somehow it seems easier to hurt when you know why!

I don't know what the tests will show. I'm in that no man's land of pain without explanation, knowing something is wrong but not knowing what. The wondering if a diagnosis will change life again. The knowing that it is foolish to think too much about what it could be yet knowing that my weird brain needs to process the worst case scenario.

The tests may show something that in all honesty I'd rather not deal with, they may show something fairly easily fixable. Periods of increased pain may be in my future. There is simply no way right now to know.

Regardless of what the tests show (or don't), regardless of whether the day is pain filled or relatively pain free, regardless.... My hope, my joy doesn't rest there. It can't.

Those things change. My hope and my joy has to be anchored in something that doesn't change, that doesn't shift. Otherwise there is no hope or joy--there are only never ending questions and happiness based on circumstances, which is definitely not joy.

So, I'll wait.

I'll hurt.

I'll not understand.

BUT...

I will have joy.

"But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me." Psalm 13: 5-6