Struggles

Bit by bit over the last several months, I seem to have lost something.

I have lost focus, direction, and passion.

I don't think I realized just how much Gracen going to school every day was going to change things for me. She still needs me, certainly, but I don't have huge chunks of time to invest, influence, and teach her.

I am incredibly thankful for the school she attends and for the teachers that are investing, influencing, and teaching her. She is learning much about responsibility and relationships that would have perhaps been more difficult to teach one on one here at home.

I have floundered for almost 3 months though. After delivering Gracen to school, I often wonder what to do until time to pick her up. And I know that being out of my leg has intensified some of that feeling--and, honestly, affects my mood more than I care to admit.

Sure, the house always needs attention. But the "projects" that call my name are those that I can't really tackle by myself like painting. So once the cleaning is done on "domestic goddess Mondays" the rest of the week is usually fairly easy in terms of housework.

For so long, my thoughts and energies were in planning mode. What would we do next in school? How do I creatively teach that? And, in the midst of all that, was the joy of seeing the light bulb click on for my one and only pupil. It seems worse on these rainy dark fall days when memories of cuddling on the sofa with a book and a bowl of popcorn march through my brain!

Just as I wouldn't trade those memories for anything, I also wouldn't trade the time that Gracen has been given to stretch her wings a bit.

I just need to find my groove, my focus. For without focus, I wander. Time and energy just get wasted.

Yet the quandary is that my heart is truly at home. I am so thankful to my sweet husband who has always worked very hard to make sure that I could be home. I don't say thank you enough.

But...I feel guilty being at home--like I'm not contributing enough. Things that have always frustrated me (like planning meals, buying groceries, managing my time, etc) were things that I had high hopes for finally tackling and "getting on top of".

That so hasn't happened!

If anything, I feel more overwhelmed and more guilty because now I'm supposed to have time to effectively manage those things. (They are most definitely not being effectively managed.) Heck, I should have time to grow a garden, read several books every week, and finally teach the dog to come. Not to mention getting the last 5 years of Gracen's life in her scrapbooks!

Please, oh, please someone tell me that I'm not the only one living in this circle!!!

A.A. Milne said, "Organizing is what you do before you something, so that when you do it, it is not all mixed up."

I think I'm still in the mixed up stage!